


Breaking the Habit

by Thors_Spirit_Wolf



Category: Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon 2012)
Genre: Graphic Description, In later chapters - Freeform, M/M, Male Slash, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, and actions, characters also appear later, kinda both
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-04-19 09:47:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14234622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thors_Spirit_Wolf/pseuds/Thors_Spirit_Wolf
Summary: “I don't know what's worth fighting for… And say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way. I know it's not alright.” Sam’s fear of bunnies explained. (warnings for self-harm/suicidal thoughts/actions and slash)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Breaking the Habit it belongs to Linkin Park I just love it too much. Italics are thoughts or emphasis.

Sam bolted upright, panting. As per usual, sleep was interrupted by flashes of his past.

 

He got up, took the knife from its place on the nightstand, and walked out. He walked until he got to the deck of the Helicarrier.

 

He sat down, bringing his knees up to his chest. He laid his arm on his knees, slashing it with his knife. He then repeated the action in his other arm.

 

Sam stared at his arms, more bloody than usual. He stared, before slowly smiling. Then it quickly fell, and tears formed in his eyes.

 

Tears started streaming down his face as he hugged his knees to his chest, putting his head on them as sobs wracked his body.

 

He had been doing so well, even taking the medicine. _And after one fucking incident I threw all my progress away._

 

Today, he lost control.


	2. Lyrics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just lyrics (because it might explain things, might not)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own Breaking the Habit, it belongs to Linkin Park

Memories consume  
like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again

You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one  
the battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate, and say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit tonight

 

Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more  
than anytime before  
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one  
the battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
that I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate, and say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit tonight

 

I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit tonight


	3. Flashbacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just flashbacks of Sam's past, next chapter will actually be present day stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has flashbacks of child abuse, alcoholism, and animal abuse (well murder) read at your own risk

_ His mother screamed, begging him to stop. Kaelynn buried her face in their mother’s chest, crying. All Sam could do was bite his lip, trying not to cry out from the pain, or puke form the strong scent of booze. _

 

_ “Remember this the next time you go the garage!” his father screamed, then stumbled to the garage. _

 

_ Sam brushed his mom and sister off when they tried to treat him, and walked outside. He laid down next to a tree, his back on it’s trunk. Then a bunny showed up, and said bunny hopped on his neck. _

 

_ “Hi, what do you think you’re doing?” Sam asked, and the bunny burrowed further into his neck. Sam, not entirely sure what was happening, put his hand on it’s back. He soon fell asleep. _

_ That’s how things were for two months. After a beating, or after school, Sam would lay by that tree and that bunny would show up. In the end Sam even named it Willow. _

 

_ His father pulled into the driveway, getting out of the car with a briefcase. Sam could smell the booze on him. _

 

_ “Hi dad,” _

 

_ “Sam, what the hell is that?” his dad pointed at the bunny. _

 

_ “I-it’s a bunny dad,” Sam wondered how sober his dad was, even though he was able to pull into the driveway. _

 

_ “Stop feeding it, I don’t want that filthy rodent in my house!” _

 

_ “But dad, I ain’t-” he was cut off abruptly when his dad stomped on Willow repeatedly. Sam stared in horror as his bunny, his  _ friend _ , was murdered right in front of his eyes. _

 

_ “Let this be a lesson for you, bunnies aren’t allowed,” his father went back inside, and Sam picked up Willow. He cradled her dead body, crying, before he gave her a proper burial. _

_ That was also the night his father was taken away, and the Nova helmet now  in his possession. _


	4. Coming out (sorta)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are you afraid of bunnies?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are either thoughts or flashbacks.
> 
> This chapter takes place basically, like, a few weeks or so after the first chapter (so this would be like a couple weeks after the Helicarrier was destroyed). And yes, I know the episode where it’s revealed that Sam’s afraid of bunnies is a while into the show (like 2x13, before where I’m writing this), please just pretend that they knew ahead of time, because it’s not too much of a timeline change, right?
> 
> Also thx to anyone who’s read this lol, it means a lot

“Why are you afraid of bunnies?” Peter’s questioning gaze fell on Sam, everything standing in the doorway staring too, and  _ damn it _ , Sam had hoped they would wait a few weeks, or never ask at all.

 

This is an issue Sam doesn’t like to talk about, and his team could see that the second he turned around to face them, shock turning to almost concealed panic, and hesitance. The meaning the behind that was quickly determined by one of them.

 

“Guys, can you leave us alone for a little bit?” Danny whispered, eyes pleading.

 

Luke ushered a reluctant Peter and Ava, saying solemnly, “Sure, c’mon, the game’s on anyways,”

 

Danny kicked the door shut, locking it and walking towards the bed Sam currently say on, curled in a ball. He sat next to him, not saying a word.

 

Sam was the first to break the silence, “Why are you here Fortune Cookie?”   
  
“It’s not to give you one,” Danny smiled sadly and slung his arm around Sam’s shoulders, “Something’s wrong. I want to know what it is. And, despite what your mind is telling you, you want someone to talk to. Someone who cares, and will listen. Maybe even help.”

 

“But that’s what I have Nick Fury for… he helps me-”

 

“And Nick’s not here. You’re gonna need a replacement until you can see Nick again. And Sam, I want to be that replacement. I just need you to want that too,” Danny turned his head so Sam was staring right at him. “Do you want that?”

 

“... I, I do. I, just don’t know how, I choked up after a stupid question, because it remind me of… of…” tears glistened in the corners of his eyes, which he harshly wiped away before they could fall.

 

“Something happened. Don’t tell me until you’re ready. But earlier you said Nick helps you… mind telling me what he helps you with, so I could help you?”

 

Sam stared at the wall, the thoughts of why and why not flashing through his head, before he nodded. And pulled his shirt sleeve up slowly to show Danny his arm.

 

* * *

 

 

_ Nick Fury walked down the hallway to Nova’s room. They had been doing this for a while; him going to make sure Sam was alright. Nova had a lot of power, and a troubling past that he did not react to well. Nick saw something though, something that made him want to help Sam. And damn right he would help him. _

_ He opened the door - not even knocking - and entered, quickly rushing to the boy that sat huddled on the bed, crying. The tears mixed with the blood on the boy’s arm, both falling onto the floor and bed. _

_ Nick pulled him to his chest, grabbing the first aid kid from under the bed for when it was needed. He hushed the kid in his arms, waiting for him to either talk or fall asleep. _

_ “T-Thanks Nick.” _ __   
  


_ “Wanna talk about it?” _ __   
  


_ “You know my story. I just… had an off day, and wanted comfort. Fell off the wagon, so to speak.” Nick combed his fingers through the boys hair. _

_ “Anything else?” _

_ “Will I ever be alright?” Sam stared at Nick with an intensity and emptiness that scarred Nick. He wanted those eyes to be filled with life again. And damn it all they would, even if Nick wasn’t fully responsible, he would make sure they will be. _

_ “Yes. Like you said, you had an off day.” _

_ Nick wrapped his arms in gauze, taping the gauze there. He let Sam rest his head in his lap, combing fingers through his hair until he fell asleep. _

_ Nick would make sure that, despite what he says, Sam will be alright again. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea, pretty sure this also sucks. But I just write for fun/stress relief so yea lol.


	5. Short Filler, Long Months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is more a filler than anything. in other words, it's short. sorry (tried hinting this w/ the title, it's the only reason i titled this chapter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Danny is a hard character to actually keep in character, and I feel like if I try he’d end up being worse than if I don’t try, so yea…  
> I think it’s hard (at least for me) because we’re practically polar opposites lol.
> 
> So. I fucking (sorry for language) forgot to put trigger warnings in the notes. So if I did trigger you, I’m really sorry. And don’t worry, I already had my version of a “mini panic attack” about my forgetfulness. I’ll try and be more mindful about that in the future.
> 
> That said, I reread this and couldn’t find anything graphic enough for me to think someone would get triggers, but my judgement is terrible so always read with cautious please.

Luke watched Danny softly close the door, sighing as he did. Danny waved his hand, motioning is friend to follow him. Luke met him in the bathroom.

 

“How’d it go?” Luke asked.

 

“Some parts can’t be said. I’ve been sworn to secrecy.” from the… fifteen? Twenty? Whatever amount of time Danny had been in that room, Luke can see it already worn him.

 

“What can you tell me?”

 

“That I’ve got a long time until Nick can help me with emotional support,”   
  


“Will he trust anyone else to help him?” Luke looked genuinely concerned. He knew Danny would take this really personally due to some unresolved - and beyond friend or brother like - feelings, and just his care over their teammate.

 

“I don’t think that’s wise, it’s really… dark, personal, and not my story to tell nor is it my decision to make.”

 

“Can you at least promise me one thing, Danny?”

 

“What’s that?”

 

“No hurting him,” Luke sighed when Danny looked at him confused, “I know how you feel about him. Just… don’t use this to your advantage. Whatever happened to him is clearly something he’s trusting in you. You taking advantage of that for your own feelings is selfish, mean, and betraying his trust. And wrong.” Luke wasn’t even aware that, what he was doing right now, is being that protective brother, protecting him from his best friend.

 

“Luke, even without these feelings, even if he was just a stranger I found in a similar state somewhere, I’d still want to help. I’m not hurting him, not even in my worst nightmares,”

 

“I’ll be holding you to that,” Luke walked back to the game. Danny sighed, running his hands through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw I’m getting into crossing over Avengers (movie) and Ultimate Spider-Man (haven’t read any comics aside from TF2 so the cartoon) so I’ll be writing a Fourth of July fic soon and may get “trigger happy” and post really early. (that was when i wrote this a/n and was to lazy to change it… also i hate changing things from the original unless i really think it’s shit)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just flashbacks again. Takes place before chapter 3 and any childhood flashbacks from now on will. If you’re triggered by (albeit highly unrealistic because my brain) child abuse and/or alcoholism please don’t read, wait for the next chapter (actually don't because it's self harm), find a fanfic happier than this, whatever. You’re mental state is important to me, honestly maybe even more than my own.

_ “You little shit!” the boy’s father screamed, taking the bottle in his hand and slapping his son on the forehead with it. Not enough to severely injure, but it’ll leave a mark for a while. _

 

_ “I-I’m sorry, I was looking for the paper towels and- the watering can just fell and-” he stopped short as his father pulled out a baseball bat. He told his mom that leaving the paper towels in the garage was a bad idea. _

 

_ He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood to avoid screaming as his father slammed the bat against his ribs. _

 

_ When he threw the bat back in the garage, he took the watering can from the ground, glaring at the dent it made. _

 

_ “This is all your fault!” He smacked his son’s temple with the watering can and left, slamming the door between the house and garage. _

 

_ When Sam was sure his dad left the room, he brought his hand to his head, drawing it back slick with crimson liquid. _

 

_ Blood. Shit. _

 

_ He kept his hand to his head, walking out of the garage, staring at the bunny hole where that same bunny was. He sat down, using the tree as support to take pressure of his ribs. He used his right hand to pet the bunny that came back up. _

_ Walking back in the house, he was relieved to find his father passed out drunk - obviously he’d drank more after the garage encounter. _

 

_ He silently opened the freezer, grabbing a bag of peas before walking upstairs to the bathroom, grabbing a towel. _

 

_ He fell asleep with the peas on his back, hand still holding the towel against his - currently still slowly bleeding - forehead. _

_ Next day at school, no one - not even Carrie - asked about the scabs on his forehead. Nor the reason it looked like he was favoring his back. Or why he was wearing baggy clothes when it was close to spring break. _

 

_ Either they don’t care, they’re smart enough to not ask, or Sam’s a really good liar. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I actually don’t know where I’m taking this. Like I do but don’t know how, that’s why this is another flashback. So, again, if you’re triggered by child abuse, alcoholism, and/or self harm, turn around because this is when Sam has his first experience with cutting, and then some experiences after his first time.
> 
> Also; when I write these fics, I’m basically saying ‘how would I react’ or taking something from a dream or random idea I had. So if you find it inaccurate and insulting, tell me so I can rewrite those parts, because I like accuracy and don’t like insulting people.

_ One of the universe’s worst ideas, ever, is letting someone who has psychological problems and was in a dark place be in a kitchen, helping their mom make dinner - helping being the kids make dinner while the mom tries to get the dad sober. _

 

_ Because, while ‘daddeo’ and mother are upstairs, and Kaelynn takes a bathroom break, Sam’s sub conscience gets a brilliant idea. After all, he’s dark and moody, not in the right frame of mind, and wants a break from his life. _

 

_ Forty seconds later, and his arm is under the sink. He’s currently washing his blood, then taking mounds of paper towels and trying to stem the bleeding. He also digs around the first aid kit, getting bandages and anti-biotic cream. _

 

_ By the time he’s done hiding his injury, Kaelynn comes back and continues helping him. _

 

_ He vowed he’d never cut again. _

* * *

 

_ One week later, and he’s in the bathroom, looking for another first aid kit. He ignores the fact that he already found it and is stalling. _

 

_ He remembers that he has money and decided that tomorrow he’s buying his own pocket knife. _

* * *

 

_ Two weeks later. He sighs heavily, smiling at the ever growing scars on his wrists. _

 

_ He watches the blood pouring freely, and falls asleep before he can try to do anything about it. _

 

_ He doesn’t even care that much about waking up. _

* * *

 

_ This continued for months, his dad being a good dad - because he’s getting treatment but really it takes time and the people there respect that, even though while it’s a nice gesture Sam’s life ain’t gettin any better, nor is he - his father falling off the wagon and hitting him again, and then Sam retreats to his room, giving himself a new scar. He now has conflicted emotions about this. _

 

_ One: he promised himself that he’d stop, but at this point it’s genetic disposition. His father, addicted to alcohol. Him? Addicted to cutting. _

 

_ Two: he gets to be in control. The only control he has in the beatings are ‘don’t give dad alcohol’ and ‘piss dad off enough to get him to not beat mom or Kaelynn’ _

 

_ Three: he deserves it. He’s letting this happen, and the pain reminds him why. He can’t let his judgment slip, can’t think ‘what if I sit one argument out?’ he has to protect his family, and if the pain and blood remind him that this is his purpose in life, he’ll do it. _

 

_ And when his family see the scars, they don’t bother bringing it up. They can already guess where they came from, and their money is going to help his dad anyways. _

 

_ And when his friends see them? He’s good at changing the subject. _

* * *

 

_ The night his father disappeared - seriously, he finally stopped falling off the fucking wagon - and Sam became the newest (last) Nova, and somehow Fury soon found him and took him in? Damn, he was a fucking mess. _

 

_ He probably got a total of five new scars on his arms - at least to him it was a lot, he only ever did one small cut when he took out the knife, and these five were definitely longer - before Fury found him and… as much as Sam wants to say questioned him, it’s more like interrogated him. _

 

_ And so began him actually getting help. Medication to take care of his mood swings. Sleeping pills for night terrors as long as Fury says it’s okay. The knife staying on a shelf, with a picture of his family next to it to remind him he doesn’t need it. _

 

_ He actually got alright! Until he dreamt of his father. Not like his usual night terrors though. _

 

_ Because this time, Willow and her entire family came up - yes he still calls his dead friend Willow, and yes he could identify her gender. Guilt and fear consumed him, and old habits do die hard. This is why he’s forever afraid of bunnies. Because he’s really not. He’s afraid of failure. _

 

_ Because if he couldn’t protect an innocent bunny, how the hell is he supposed to protect an innocent life, whether they be human or off world? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why I needed to end it like that, but hey. And I did (kinda) reference the song this is based off! I did this filler to hopefully give me some ideas to move the story along. Sorry if some of you find this inaccurate - but I’d hope not, because then I’d like you to talk to someone and get some help, because believe it or not your life matters. At least consider getting help.
> 
> While away (vacation) I did end up getting a couple of kudos; means a lot ppl, thank you for taking the time to read our works (weird I didn’t say trash, maybe cuz I said our)
> 
> Anyways, hopefully I don’t go on hiatus for this fic again but no guarantees lol

**Author's Note:**

> Will update slowly btw


End file.
